Monday, July 4, 2011

Breastfeeding Weasel

So many things have changed in my life in the past couple months. And I’m not just talking about my newly embraced motherly figure. Most people say it is nice to have your body back once you have the baby, but honestly I don’t feel like I have my body back. How can I, when all I do is milk myself like a dang cow?! Before I had him I thought I knew what was going on with the whole feeding process but boy was I wrong.

When I left the hospital I talked to a lactation consultant thinking it would give me all my answers. She was about as useful as gum on the bottom of my shoe. All she gave me what a great case of engorgement. Maybe I should only send her a Thank You card.

I just recently started Roman on bottles, which I feel was about the right time. I put in a good month toe curling breastfeeding.  This crap hurt so bad that when I would latch him on I had to make sure I didn't have a kung-fu grip on his head. I would keep saying over and over “latch, grip, relax shoulder” to make sure things were going correctly.

If I had any questions or concerns about breast feeding I would find myself Googling everything. BIG MISTAKE. Everyone out there has their own opinions, views and ways of doing things. All I was looking for was a simple how long do i latch this little sucker on, what boob, and if I should start pumping. What I found was a whole bunch of message boards with everyone contradicting each other, which would eventually lead into a full on mommy brawl about who is the better parent. Of course, this only happens by viewing comments back on page 20, and really who looks all the way back there? I DO. We all know they put all the good answers up front and if you know me I like to make things complicated sometimes.
For example when I started Roman on bottles, at night I would wake up to him grunting, go down stairs heat up the milk (which takes 5 minutes alone because you cant stick breast milk into the microwave?), go back upstairs change him, feed him. Then I would put him back down and make sure he was asleep. THEN, I would proceed to go back downstairs and pullout my pump and pump for about 15 minutes. Really Leanne? ...I finally wised up and cut out the middle man and just did the good ‘ol latch on at night.

Point proven.

Now that I have finally got the whole milking myself thing down, we must move on to how I entertain my child.

I have always considered myself pretty baby savvy, and I still do. But I really struggle sometimes trying to find things to do with him. I KNOW I KNOW he is just a baby and just the simple carrying him around with you and talking to him should suffice. But I think there should be more.

Once he got out of his narcolepsy stage things started getting a little more interesting. I got to pull out the play mat which I had to pimp out with some serious toys because all this one came with was plastic plates with dog pictures and a light up sun thing. Now it looks like baby Einstein threw up all over this bad boy. I should probably get a career in making baby play mat’s. It would come with a small written warning on the box reading, “WARNING: Child might drown in toys.” It would be a good way to go I think. Drowning in toys sounds pleasant.

One day he got retardedly board with the play mat which I don’t know how that is possible with all of the possibilities that lie before him (he might enjoy it more once he can pull one of the 15 things dangling above his head). So I of course Googled “Things to do with a 2 month old”... I round up with his age. Up comes all of these ideas from singing, making faces, playing with a flash light.... and then I came across what I thought was the best of them all. It said to sing to him pop goes the weasel nursery rhyme and at the end when you actually say “pop goes the weasel” to pop him up with your knee. WELLLLL, I did this and he didn't think that my idea was such a great one.
I did the whole song and at the end popped him up and scared the shit right out of him. Poor little man jumped, looked at me with a “what the F did you just do to me” look in his eyes, puckered out his bottom lip and started bawling. I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Obviously I felt a little bad for scaring him because I thought it was such a good idea and it turned out to be a very bad attempt in playing with him. Of course I don’t take total blame of this.

I blame you Google for you insolence and will be expecting an edible arrangement by the end of next week.

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Sunday, July 3, 2011

*The Day Tubs Was Born *

Well here I am, 1.5 months into this whole shibang called motherhood and I must say.... I LOVE IT! So much has happened to me that I have no idea how to explain everything. But of course, my mother is encouraging me to start blogging again. Probably because she is tired of being the only one that is hearing about my daily crap. JOKING MOM!

But anyways lets maybe start from induction?

As most of you know I served my little fart with an eviction notice (see previous post). What I did not know is that I was going to have to enforce it. What a great start to our bonding right? A whole bunch of get the “F” out of me now, because you have no choice!  

This day was probably the longest day of my life. First it starts off with them telling you to call at 5am to see if you can come in or not. If they are busy then they tell you to call back in 3 or 4 hours. This is where I started getting annoyed ... lets be honest for a minute....5 am when you are pregnant and sleeping in half and hour intervals (because your bladder will explode if you go a minute longer) is a recipe for an all nighter.
Well need less to say we played our little call back dance with the bundle of joy at the front desk until they finally said come in at 1 or 1:30. I went in a 12:45.... and waited for my room until 3. Joke was on me.

Once we got in there it was more of a waiting game, which I was prepared for. Apparently I was having contractions every 3-4 minutes when I was admitted. I didn't know they were contractions I just though he was loving him some rib time. But since I was not thinned enough they couldn't start my pitocin drip. So the process began.
They did 2 pills that took 4 hours each to try to get my cervix to thin. That's when I got the most rest. At about 1:30am they broke my water... which was the worst of it all in my opinion.
 It was like you were constantly peeing yourself. Nothing says “I am beautiful” like incontinence.
Once they broke my water and started my pitocin they probably said the most dumb thing I have ever heard in my life..."Ok, now try to go back to sleep.” (UGH! Easy for you to say.) That is when my contractions started. Epideral was given around 3:30am and  I seriously need the address for this dude that invented this crap. I am going to send him an edible arrangement. I feel a simple Thank you card just doesn’t show enough gratitude as a pineapple, chocolate covered strawberry flower does.

I pushed for about an hour and a half. The only bad thing about that section of events, is the fact that I need to talk to someone about their bed positioning. I hope it is just a coincidence that the bed is placed under a light on the ceiling... the one light that was not on and allowed EVERYTHING to be in plain view for me.  No Beuno.

Once they placed that 8 pound 9 ounce body on my chest for the first time and I got to see that little chubby cone head, my life had changed forever in just that one second. My priority had changed from what beer to drink to what diapers to buy. I LOVED IT. Nothing really explains love like the first time I saw him.

We stayed there for two nights and I was super anxious if they ever took him from me. One nurse had him for almost two hours doing normal tests and I called her to tell her to hurry up. I mean DANG, He is MY baby and I WANT HIM NOW! lol I can’t really recall if he slept good or not because I think I was up more then he was just making sure he was ok. Everything was a blur. I was glad however when we got to go home. I was ready to get back in the grove of things and get him adjusted.

So yeah, that was my wonderful labor experience. I would do it again in a second.

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Stationery card

Modern Baby Boy Birth Announcement
Personalized invitations for babies, high school graduations, & more.
View the entire collection of cards.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Here is your eviction notice.

Here is my second attempt to improve myself as a blogger.

Honestly, I am pretty shitty at it and if I were you, I would probably not read my ridiculously un-useful crap.
I am about to have a heifer of a child, and I need somewhere to go to bitch about things I should probably never say out loud. Am I a bitch? YES.... well, currently I am. But who wouldn't be with what feels like a two year old toddler growing inside of them and using your ribs as a fucking jungle gym?!

I am due on Tuesday, and I really can't complain about the whole being pregnant experience. I am one of those people you wanna slap the shit out of because my body was "made for pregnancy". No stretchmarks, I still can sleep decent (on my couch), no morning sickness, no swelling, the whole nine yards. *insert booing here*. But now that I am down to the point where I can basically take my due date by the balls, I am over it. So over it that in  2.4 seconds, I will be evicting this little person out of my body. He has become that annoying neighbor that everyone has, that always over stays there welcome. Even if they did just come over for 2 minutes.... it was 2 minutes too long.

I have tried everything. WELL, almost everything. WELL, only like 3 things out of all the annoyingly repeated methods on how to encourage labor.

If you are not familiar with them... I will go ahead and break each one down for you.

1. Walking: This one I have tried.... obviously. I have been prepared for this genius method of  
inductions since the age of 1.

2. Spicy Foods: Tried this one too, and all I have to say about this one is thank you for making my 
wretched heartburn ten times worse!

3. Nipple Stimulation: This makes sense to me because of the whole it releasing the same hormone that pitocin does to start contractions. Honestly, I cant play with my tits for that long.... it gets annoying. Some sites say to be careful with this method because it can cause over contracting? Seriously? Um, how long are you women actually playing with yourself to actually have this happen? Over achievers.

4. Acupressure: Hold on a second while I squeeze my pinky toe or the webbing between my thumb and pointer finger. I read that this works but I call BULLSHIT!

5. Castor Oil: Wait what?! I can be 9 months pregnant, have constant shitting and puking?! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!

6. Sex: I already have one boy inside of me...... no need for another. Selfish Bastard!

7. Squats: If I even try to squat.... there is no telling if I will be able to get back up. I will probably avoid this one too.

These are just some of the examples that I have found online....... repeatedly. Then I found one site where they had about 20 different ideas... yea some of them sound absolutely ridiculous, but there are no words to explain how happy I was to find out that there was someone out there who still has an ounce of creativity. I would much rather drink some wine and gallop around outside like a damn horse then take some laxative that would make my life a living hell. But some of these suggestions are just down right ignorant. For example, getting on all fours and shaking  "that booty"? Grow up.

Hopefully my little heifer will be arriving soon and I can delightfully share my experiences of being a new mommy with you. Until then.

Happy Pooping.

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Monday, January 31, 2011

Long over-due baby Update*

Well this month has more then flown by! It seems just like yesterday I wasn't celebrating New Years.

(insert pity party here)

Things are basically going the same, except now I am carrying what seems to be like a basketball on steroids under this small shirt of mine. I find myself more leaning towards Josh's shirts now to prevent an excessive amount of plumber belly because lets be honest... no one likes plumber belly! That has trailer park written all over it.

As some of you know, I have switched back from my horrible midwife experience... oh my lanta was that a trip! Not a good vacation Aruba trip either! This was one of those "I'm going to Mexico!".... and end up in drug lord town kind of trips.
Excuse my french but this bitch was so miserable! I don't know if she just hated her job because she has been doing the same thing since WWII, or because she just hated life in general. Either way, I don't care. I fixed this problem in a jump, skip and a hurry! I  really don't care I am seeing a bunch of different people at the OB Clinic. Fact is, I would rather stick a needle in my eye then see that Mrs. Doubtfire wannabe again.

Tomorrow (2-1-11) I will be 26 weeks, with 14 more to go! It hasn't been a bad ride so far. I kind of like being pregnant. But just the other day I was wondering how some women can go through postpartum depression. I would think they would be overwhelmed with joy to finally meet the little spawn that's been sucking all the life out of you! Personally, I can't wait to get this little nugget man out of me! I feel like he has started his own little football team in my uterus.

The only thing I am worrying about (which I know I shouldn't be) is getting everything ready for when he is here. I am one of the OCD people that wants everything done months ahead of time so this whole waiting for the baby shower shit is driving me crazy! Call me spoiled, but i mean dang... this crap ain't for me! I think a part of me thinks that I am bribing him out with gifts.

I'm not into those whole big baby showers either because I feel its a waste of money. I find that a personal-made banner with everyone's signature or whatever is way more sentimental then the traditional Party-City ones. As far as decorations go.....who needs em? Surely not me! All I require is a mexican cake and the stuff I registered for. I think that's fairly easy if I do say so myself, haha. No invites are necessary either. Mass texts and phone calls do the same thing as long as they know where to go to get the baby stuff.

Speaking of invites... my baby book from Etsy has a nice little space to paste a baby shower invite into. Would it be considered lying if I just made one and posted it there? This way I can go all out on my baby book invite and be all " Your baby shower was the shiznitz my little dude!" I am sure eventually he would call me on my bluff but hey? "A" for effort right? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be offended once I showed him all of the cute clothes and toys he had just because I saved a few bucks on these invites.

And just a quick note on registry's... someone recently said that people don't really get the shit from your registry and that they will buy what they want? Well shit ... they better come with gift receipt in hand because I'll be damned if I spent all that time picking out my babies perfect wardrobe future for it to just be wasted!

ANYWAYS, that was really off  my "baby update" topic but blah blah blah who cares this is my blog so "DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Oh yeah, we have an ultra sound scheduled Feb 7th or 9th? which ever one falls on a Wednesday. So I'll make sure to upload them beaut's once I got them. I think if they have the 3D ones I'm going to try the sleeper hold approach until they give me them for free. I'll let you know how that goes.

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

My Porcelain Fist

 It's crazy how when some things happen it really makes you sit down and evaluate yourself as a person. Sometimes you may find it hard to not critique those around you as well, and give thanks for those who step up to the friendship plate.

I find myself to be one of the luckiest women in the world! I have a more than amazing man in my life who would go through hell and high water just to ensure my happiness, a healthy baby on the way,  supportive and loving family and friends, and an amazing in-law family I have been taken in to.

Besides my mother, I have not met many women in this world who I can say are one that would put even a stranger before themselves just to say they have made someone smile or a difference in their life if even in the smallest way. Because of these individuals I can say I am forever changed.

Some say selflessness comes with "motherhood" , and to a point I agree. But I also think it goes way beyond that. I have seen mothers who maintain their famous selfishness. So this alone can not be the answer. I think that  you have to already have this "quality" in you already for it to actually show. Having a baby just brings it out of you more.

It's crazy how things can really change in a minute, and how many minutes are really taken for granted. In one weekend I have seen one family dramatically change in ways I could never even begin to describe. All I know is that I am glad I was there to support those I love and consider myself one of the luckiest people in this planet to have been given the chance to be apart of my second family.

(a very special thanks to my little "smurf", you will never know how much you helped us this weekend and for that I am forever grateful!)

Forever in my heart <3

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Sunday, January 9, 2011


So... it's Sunday, obviously. And I must say this weekend was particularly uneventful. Just like most of my weekends. The highlight of it all you ask? Paying $7 for a piece of lettuce, toast and probably 4 slices of apple. No lie.
But I must say that its was the best lettuce, toast, and apple slice combo I have ever had. And not because this was the only time I have ever had such a concoction.
Don't worry... I got my $7 worth in the bathroom,where they supply mouthwash with such elegant disposable cups. 3 cups and a fresh mouth later, I definitely felt good about my dining experience.

After dinner the ladies and I went for a "night out on the town". I must say I have never had such an urge to drink like I did that night since I have been pregnant. I wish someone would invent some type of system where you could pick and choose from what you ate and drank and decide if it would go to your baby or not. I'm sure the side effects for such a device would include the following: starvation, muscle spasm, heart attack and anal leakage.... you always have to include that last one there just so the side effects would outweigh the real need for the device or drug or whatever you may be taking.

On the way to driving my slurring drunk chickadee's home, my Ipod jack to my radio broke.(WHOMP, WHOMP). The sad thing is, that this is what lights a fire under my ass to go trade my car in. How pathetic am I? Apparently in my world, 1 broken Ipod jack= 1 new car? Either way, the evil part of me hopes no one realizes its broken so the next person that buys my car will have the pleasure of experiencing my frustration. I think of it as paying it forward.

I apologize now to those who have read this absolutely ridiculous post, you have officially wasted 3 minutes of your life.

P.S. I told my friend I would post the 5 stages of being drunk on here while she ever so graciously butchered the word utility while attempting to explain what car I should get... and proceeded to yell at me saying " DON'T JUDGE ME!". Well, to whom it may concern.... I was judging you ;)

Stage 1- Welcome to the SMART stage. You apparently are an expert now, and are willing to share your wealth of knowledge to anyone and everyone that will listen. In this stage you're never wrong, which could actually make for an entertaining argument with someone else who is also SMART

Stage 2- (made up of 2 parts) * Self declared millionaire. All of your friends and strangers will benefit in this stage! This is when you buy rounds and rounds of drinks for your friends and the occasional stranger even though your ass is broke. * Broke-Ass Bitch. This is my favorite stage of all. This is when you and your friends will benefit from a strangers tab! But who cares, because you all will be long gone when Joe Shmo gets his $86 tab. :)

Stage 3- Bulletproof. Now that your SMART and RICH or BROKE, you will start to feel the need to pick any random fights. If no one takes your bait... then who else do you turn to but the gross homeless man on the street, who is also in his bulletproof stage. Perfect.

Stage 4- Congratulations! You have now invented your own language! We can still understand you to a certain point but you take it beyond that. We are probably now relapsing back to the SMART stage and are trying to hold conversations/debates about random ass topics. But don't worry we will all be blessed shortly when you are in a complete mumble.

Stage 5- This is your final stage of drunkeness, and you sir are one hot mess. This is the prefect time to lay your ass down. Because now what we have, is someone trying to argue in a foreign language to us. Probably about how much money they spent when they thought they were rich and actually is one broke bitch.

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Thursday, January 6, 2011

My Recent 4-1-1 (re-post from other blog)

We found out we are having a  little boy!!!!

 Not going to lie I was a tid bit disappointed  because I wanted a little girl that I could teach to say “girls gone wild” to, but I am happy either way. God must feel that I know how to handle men pretty well because he has ever so graciously blessed me with soon to be 3 in my house. Yes, I am including my dog because he thinks he is a human. But fingers crossed that the next one is a female... or gay.


His precious name is going to be Roman Elliott.... with the full name its more then a mouth full which I am sure that will bite me in the ass later on when I am screaming his full name, because he will definitely be giving me a run for my money. You know what I am talking about, if you know his father.
I can picture it now... me being so angry and just messing up his name because I won't be able to say it in one solid breath.  Then having the joke be on me. I'll take my chances. Most people would be scared that a baby is coming in t-minus 4 months but not me. I was born for this, and by this i mean telling people what to do.
In theory, I plan of having enough kids to get all of my housework done in a timely manner so that I can sit back and enjoy my extra dirty martini. Also I have it planned out that they will need to have full time jobs and be ready to move out by 18 or 19. If they plan on living home... drinking habits that will develop  will need to be supported, and if any of you know me... that might get a little expensive.

Speaking of drinking I think the only thing I might be a little bent about is my diminishing tolerance to alcohol. I have been religiously working on this since I was 12... seriously. I mean I could hang with the best with them!!!! But now... I’m guessing my tolerance is like a pathetic 2 year old. (Given that your 2 year old drinks and if so....I’m compelled to say kudos, for using that method of calming your children down that <dont lie> most of us mothers dream of!)

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

Buckle up Ladies and Gents it's Gonna be a Bumpy Ride!

So I am making this site to post my rants, raves, and opinions on random useless and useful things that are going on in my life.  If you do not like the use of profanity or in my opinion, the honest truth you should leave now. Also those who personally know me,  the things I write are not directed towards you... 20% of the time.

this is my first website/blog type deal and I don't anticipate on it being perfect. So it your a grammar whore... see your way to the “door”.

for all you others, buckle up this may be a bumpy ride :)

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory