Sunday, January 9, 2011


So... it's Sunday, obviously. And I must say this weekend was particularly uneventful. Just like most of my weekends. The highlight of it all you ask? Paying $7 for a piece of lettuce, toast and probably 4 slices of apple. No lie.
But I must say that its was the best lettuce, toast, and apple slice combo I have ever had. And not because this was the only time I have ever had such a concoction.
Don't worry... I got my $7 worth in the bathroom,where they supply mouthwash with such elegant disposable cups. 3 cups and a fresh mouth later, I definitely felt good about my dining experience.

After dinner the ladies and I went for a "night out on the town". I must say I have never had such an urge to drink like I did that night since I have been pregnant. I wish someone would invent some type of system where you could pick and choose from what you ate and drank and decide if it would go to your baby or not. I'm sure the side effects for such a device would include the following: starvation, muscle spasm, heart attack and anal leakage.... you always have to include that last one there just so the side effects would outweigh the real need for the device or drug or whatever you may be taking.

On the way to driving my slurring drunk chickadee's home, my Ipod jack to my radio broke.(WHOMP, WHOMP). The sad thing is, that this is what lights a fire under my ass to go trade my car in. How pathetic am I? Apparently in my world, 1 broken Ipod jack= 1 new car? Either way, the evil part of me hopes no one realizes its broken so the next person that buys my car will have the pleasure of experiencing my frustration. I think of it as paying it forward.

I apologize now to those who have read this absolutely ridiculous post, you have officially wasted 3 minutes of your life.

P.S. I told my friend I would post the 5 stages of being drunk on here while she ever so graciously butchered the word utility while attempting to explain what car I should get... and proceeded to yell at me saying " DON'T JUDGE ME!". Well, to whom it may concern.... I was judging you ;)

Stage 1- Welcome to the SMART stage. You apparently are an expert now, and are willing to share your wealth of knowledge to anyone and everyone that will listen. In this stage you're never wrong, which could actually make for an entertaining argument with someone else who is also SMART

Stage 2- (made up of 2 parts) * Self declared millionaire. All of your friends and strangers will benefit in this stage! This is when you buy rounds and rounds of drinks for your friends and the occasional stranger even though your ass is broke. * Broke-Ass Bitch. This is my favorite stage of all. This is when you and your friends will benefit from a strangers tab! But who cares, because you all will be long gone when Joe Shmo gets his $86 tab. :)

Stage 3- Bulletproof. Now that your SMART and RICH or BROKE, you will start to feel the need to pick any random fights. If no one takes your bait... then who else do you turn to but the gross homeless man on the street, who is also in his bulletproof stage. Perfect.

Stage 4- Congratulations! You have now invented your own language! We can still understand you to a certain point but you take it beyond that. We are probably now relapsing back to the SMART stage and are trying to hold conversations/debates about random ass topics. But don't worry we will all be blessed shortly when you are in a complete mumble.

Stage 5- This is your final stage of drunkeness, and you sir are one hot mess. This is the prefect time to lay your ass down. Because now what we have, is someone trying to argue in a foreign language to us. Probably about how much money they spent when they thought they were rich and actually is one broke bitch.

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1 comment:

  1. I used to go straight from Stage 1 to Stage 5. Some might say that is a problem, but I say it is ambitious to cut out the middle men. Go me!