Monday, July 4, 2011

Breastfeeding Weasel

So many things have changed in my life in the past couple months. And I’m not just talking about my newly embraced motherly figure. Most people say it is nice to have your body back once you have the baby, but honestly I don’t feel like I have my body back. How can I, when all I do is milk myself like a dang cow?! Before I had him I thought I knew what was going on with the whole feeding process but boy was I wrong.

When I left the hospital I talked to a lactation consultant thinking it would give me all my answers. She was about as useful as gum on the bottom of my shoe. All she gave me what a great case of engorgement. Maybe I should only send her a Thank You card.

I just recently started Roman on bottles, which I feel was about the right time. I put in a good month toe curling breastfeeding.  This crap hurt so bad that when I would latch him on I had to make sure I didn't have a kung-fu grip on his head. I would keep saying over and over “latch, grip, relax shoulder” to make sure things were going correctly.

If I had any questions or concerns about breast feeding I would find myself Googling everything. BIG MISTAKE. Everyone out there has their own opinions, views and ways of doing things. All I was looking for was a simple how long do i latch this little sucker on, what boob, and if I should start pumping. What I found was a whole bunch of message boards with everyone contradicting each other, which would eventually lead into a full on mommy brawl about who is the better parent. Of course, this only happens by viewing comments back on page 20, and really who looks all the way back there? I DO. We all know they put all the good answers up front and if you know me I like to make things complicated sometimes.
For example when I started Roman on bottles, at night I would wake up to him grunting, go down stairs heat up the milk (which takes 5 minutes alone because you cant stick breast milk into the microwave?), go back upstairs change him, feed him. Then I would put him back down and make sure he was asleep. THEN, I would proceed to go back downstairs and pullout my pump and pump for about 15 minutes. Really Leanne? ...I finally wised up and cut out the middle man and just did the good ‘ol latch on at night.

Point proven.

Now that I have finally got the whole milking myself thing down, we must move on to how I entertain my child.

I have always considered myself pretty baby savvy, and I still do. But I really struggle sometimes trying to find things to do with him. I KNOW I KNOW he is just a baby and just the simple carrying him around with you and talking to him should suffice. But I think there should be more.

Once he got out of his narcolepsy stage things started getting a little more interesting. I got to pull out the play mat which I had to pimp out with some serious toys because all this one came with was plastic plates with dog pictures and a light up sun thing. Now it looks like baby Einstein threw up all over this bad boy. I should probably get a career in making baby play mat’s. It would come with a small written warning on the box reading, “WARNING: Child might drown in toys.” It would be a good way to go I think. Drowning in toys sounds pleasant.

One day he got retardedly board with the play mat which I don’t know how that is possible with all of the possibilities that lie before him (he might enjoy it more once he can pull one of the 15 things dangling above his head). So I of course Googled “Things to do with a 2 month old”... I round up with his age. Up comes all of these ideas from singing, making faces, playing with a flash light.... and then I came across what I thought was the best of them all. It said to sing to him pop goes the weasel nursery rhyme and at the end when you actually say “pop goes the weasel” to pop him up with your knee. WELLLLL, I did this and he didn't think that my idea was such a great one.
I did the whole song and at the end popped him up and scared the shit right out of him. Poor little man jumped, looked at me with a “what the F did you just do to me” look in his eyes, puckered out his bottom lip and started bawling. I couldn't stop myself from laughing. Obviously I felt a little bad for scaring him because I thought it was such a good idea and it turned out to be a very bad attempt in playing with him. Of course I don’t take total blame of this.

I blame you Google for you insolence and will be expecting an edible arrangement by the end of next week.

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