Sunday, May 8, 2011

Here is your eviction notice.

Here is my second attempt to improve myself as a blogger.

Honestly, I am pretty shitty at it and if I were you, I would probably not read my ridiculously un-useful crap.
I am about to have a heifer of a child, and I need somewhere to go to bitch about things I should probably never say out loud. Am I a bitch? YES.... well, currently I am. But who wouldn't be with what feels like a two year old toddler growing inside of them and using your ribs as a fucking jungle gym?!

I am due on Tuesday, and I really can't complain about the whole being pregnant experience. I am one of those people you wanna slap the shit out of because my body was "made for pregnancy". No stretchmarks, I still can sleep decent (on my couch), no morning sickness, no swelling, the whole nine yards. *insert booing here*. But now that I am down to the point where I can basically take my due date by the balls, I am over it. So over it that in  2.4 seconds, I will be evicting this little person out of my body. He has become that annoying neighbor that everyone has, that always over stays there welcome. Even if they did just come over for 2 minutes.... it was 2 minutes too long.

I have tried everything. WELL, almost everything. WELL, only like 3 things out of all the annoyingly repeated methods on how to encourage labor.

If you are not familiar with them... I will go ahead and break each one down for you.

1. Walking: This one I have tried.... obviously. I have been prepared for this genius method of  
inductions since the age of 1.

2. Spicy Foods: Tried this one too, and all I have to say about this one is thank you for making my 
wretched heartburn ten times worse!

3. Nipple Stimulation: This makes sense to me because of the whole it releasing the same hormone that pitocin does to start contractions. Honestly, I cant play with my tits for that long.... it gets annoying. Some sites say to be careful with this method because it can cause over contracting? Seriously? Um, how long are you women actually playing with yourself to actually have this happen? Over achievers.

4. Acupressure: Hold on a second while I squeeze my pinky toe or the webbing between my thumb and pointer finger. I read that this works but I call BULLSHIT!

5. Castor Oil: Wait what?! I can be 9 months pregnant, have constant shitting and puking?! WHERE DO I SIGN UP?!

6. Sex: I already have one boy inside of me...... no need for another. Selfish Bastard!

7. Squats: If I even try to squat.... there is no telling if I will be able to get back up. I will probably avoid this one too.

These are just some of the examples that I have found online....... repeatedly. Then I found one site where they had about 20 different ideas... yea some of them sound absolutely ridiculous, but there are no words to explain how happy I was to find out that there was someone out there who still has an ounce of creativity. I would much rather drink some wine and gallop around outside like a damn horse then take some laxative that would make my life a living hell. But some of these suggestions are just down right ignorant. For example, getting on all fours and shaking  "that booty"? Grow up.

Hopefully my little heifer will be arriving soon and I can delightfully share my experiences of being a new mommy with you. Until then.

Happy Pooping.

Vote for me @ Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


  1. Eggplant Parmesan. You're welcome in advance.